Bizarre Rituals: Bring Out Yer Dead!

Come with me as we explore some pretty bizarre funeral rituals from around the globe!

Funerals. You hate em, right? I hate em myself. All that death and sadness leave no room for sarcasm and fun. Bummer.

But fear not, kind people! For today, I bring a smile to your face and a gratitude to your hearts! A sort of “thank you, Lord,” for not letting me die in the Papua, New Guinea region! Why, you ask? Well, because many years ago, certain tribes would eat their dead in order to vanquish the fear surrounding death. I mean, nothing says “dying is A-OK” like having a friend for dinner on an island in the Pacific!

Of course, eating your dead doesn’t hold a candle to digging them up every seven years and having a dance party! Just ask the Malagasy people of Madagascar! After disinterring their loved ones and wrapping them in sacks sprinkled with wine (because, let’s face it…those dead for seven years are a little ripe) they would wrap them in cloth and dance the night away. The ritual was called the ‘Turning of the Bones’ and, I don’t know about you, but I hear that sack cloth come out and my feet start tapping!

Oh, here’s a good one! In Ghana, some people choose to be buried in a coffin that depicts what they did in life. So, there are boats for fisherman, planes for pilots, fancy cars for the rich.

Does make you wonder what vessel a proctologist would choose.🤷‍♀️

In Tibet, your dead body used to be (or still is? 😳) cut into bite-sized chunks (I like to call them fun-sized pieces) and left on a hill for vultures and other birds to feast on.

Circle of life, my friends.

Here’s another fun one out on Papua, New Guinea. If a loved one died, the woman and children of the family had to cut off some of their fingers to ward off evil spirits. (You were pretty much screwed if you had a large family!) The practice is, thankfully, banned now.

Good thing, too. Whenever someone called out ‘Hey, Stumpy’, literally everyone turned around.😜

A people in the Philippines called the Tinguian would dress up their dead in the departed’s fanciest clothes, sit them down, and put a lit cigarette in their mouth. I mean, it’s not like smoking at that point is gonna kill them, right?

Such a fun group.

And, in the northern area of the Philippines, a people called the Apayo simply buried their dead beneath the kitchen floor. I don’t know what kind of flooring they used in their kitchens, nor if they had a particular appliance they choose to bury them beneath.

“Uncle Joe? Yeah, he’s right there, to the left of the microwave. Just walk three paces beyond Aunt Millie and you’re there.”

This one is gold. In Iran, there is a religious people who practice one of the oldest religions in the world. Called Zoroastrianism, practitioners of this religion would wash the loved one’s corpse with bull urine and place it atop the ‘tower of silence.’ (Because, call me crazy, but I assume there isn’t a ton of noise amongst a dead guy washed in bull peepee.) Once sitting on the tower, the vultures would come and have a grand old feast.

Again, circle of life I suppose. Hakuna matata, my people.

In Taiwan, extravagance at a funeral has always been considered a mark of true wealth. Some families go all out (even beyond their means) to prove their social status. So, how do they do this, you ask? Easy. They hire electric cars, complete with mini-stages, and employ strippers for entertainment all the way to the graveside.

I tried to find a way to say ‘Party on’ in Taiwanese. All I could find was 派对.

Don’t ask me to pronounce it.

In the Amazon (the place, not the online shopping giant) the Yanomami tribe will resort to cannibalism to keep their loved one’s spirit alive. After cremation, they mix their ashes into a soup and everyone eats some of it as a way to honor the dead. It’s actually considered a delicacy. As an aside, though, I am fairly certain the Campbell’s Soup company is safe from this competitor.

Can you imagine? What would that soup be called I wonder? Cream of Akiwe? (Although, Yanomami culture dictates that to use a person’s name, particularly a man’s name, is an insult. So, we can call the soup Cream of Akiwe, but just not out loud.) Hearty Human Jambalaya might be the safest bet.

Good to the last drop.

Friends don’t eat friends. Unless they are Yanomami. Image Credit: Tripfreakz

And, how about those Vikings? Norse traditions meant brave fighters went out in a flame of glory. Literally. Vessels would be packed full with delicious food and booze and rare trinkets. You know, all the stuff one would need on the long journey to Valhalla. Of course, once the ship was ready to be launched at sea, they would set it on fire. It was the considered the ultimate honor for an elite fighter.

Say hallo to Odin for me.

I would like to finish up with something that has fascinated me for years, ever since we lived in a Victorian Home for a while. Part of my decorating style in that 1899 home was old pictures. I’m not talking about relatives or friends, but photo’s of perfect strangers from decades ago (because someone has to love them, right?) Anyway, as I scoured antique stores looking for my ‘recycled’ relatives, I came across a few family portraits that seemed off. Upon further inspection, it was obvious at least one person in the picture was deceased.

That’s right, folks. This gal right here is obsessed with the long-ago practice of death photography.

Back in the day, before polaroid’s and digital camera’s and the like, it took a long time to take a picture (not to mention a ton of money.) Most families could not afford to get family pictures taken. However, because many children during the Victorian Era lost their lives to disease (measles, diphtheria, scarlet fever etc.) people understood that a photograph was the only way to ‘see’ their loved ones again.

Sibling photo where child on the left is deceased and propped with a stand. Image Credit: BBC News

Enter the art of death, or post-mortem, photography.

It would take hours of staying in one position to get that perfect portrait. Often times, the living models actually came out blurrier in the picture than the dead (because, yeah, they were moving some, breathing and such). If they could, stands would be sometimes used to prop up the deceased to create a more ‘natural’ pose.

Of course, the painted pupils on top of the eyelids were a dead giveaway—pun intended— that there was nothing natural about the picture.

Painted eyes on the left vs natural death pic on right. Image Credit: Ann Longmire-Etheridge Collection.

The part that really gets me, though, is that family members would be asked to take pictures with their departed loved ones. These sessions took HOURS, countless time spent standing or sitting next to your deceased loved one. Children were set up on couches and posed with dead siblings or asked to stand behind their deceased mothers, arms around their necks, and stay that way until the photographer had completed the process. Talk about rough.

The art of death photography, or post-mortem photography, took its last breaths —again with the puns—once snapshots and digital photography were invented. At that point, family pictures became affordable to most and people were able to take their portrait shots while everyone involved had a pulse. As an added benefit, the introduction of vaccinations meant children were living longer, thus giving families time to save up for those precious pictures.

To this day, although I no longer live in that Victorian Home, I still search antique shops for images of the dead. I hope to someday have another old Victorian home. Hopefully, this one will be beachfront and come with a maid and a cook.

Girl’s gotta dream, right?

Until next time, my beautiful people! Have a great July and stay away from the soup offered by the Yanomami tribe!

—Q